Iconic species reportedly given pink slips across the National Park System
In a move that surprised no one, Dick's Sporting Goods announced the closure of all remaining Moosejaw stores, marking the end of an era for the outdoor retailer.
This move confirms DSG’s focus and positive outlook on their Public Lands brand.
However, as layoffs continue to plague the industry, news from other public lands is not so bullish.
Officials from the National Park Service have announced their intention to lay off entire species due to budget constraints, macro climate forces, and excess inventory issues.
“We regret to inform you that the bison herd will be downsized,” said Jonas Dutton, Yellowstone’s Chief Wildlife Officer. “We will be offering retraining resources to all impacted bison in order to help them find new careers in IT, the Trades, or possibly as cows. Unfortunately, the grass isn’t greener on the other side—there’s just no grass anymore.”
Meanwhile, in the Everglades, an overstock of alligators is depressing futures orders as the Park grapples with the problem made more acute by softening consumer demand and new rules banning the sale of items containing PFAS.
Maria Lopez, Everglades HR Ranger, said these prehistoric employees and their excellent waterproof characteristics seem to ‘last forever’ and are ‘probably filled with PFAS anyway.’ Dismissing criticism of ageism as ‘old news,’ Lopez added early retirement will be made available to eligible candidates. Those that don’t qualify would be transferred to positions in the handbag or footwear divisions.
Calls to the National Park Service Headquarters in Washington DC have gone unreturned. No word as yet if this position was also eliminated during this latest extinction event.
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